/ DBT-C, English, Supersensers / By Francheska Perepletchikova
How many of us had been taught by our parents to self-reinforce – to say “great job me” or mentally pat ourselves on the back? Unfortunately, not too many. This is just not a part of the way our parents had been programed themselves. We are not taught to self-reinforce. Instead, we are taught to self-criticize. Partially this stems from our negativity bias. We are pre-programed to automatically orient to negative events, as they may be unsafe, while positive events are usually safe and, therefore, it takes effort to acknowledge them. Thus, parents tend to notice and comment on the negative behaviors of their children, while positive behaviors are frequently treated as “shoulds.” Such as “my child should be polite,” or “my child should follow directions right away.” So, behaviors that are learned responses are treated as if they are reflexes and are not consistently reinforced, while negative behaviors receive most attention. So, no wonder that we are plagued by self-judgement and self-criticism and primarily remember our failures. With such mind set, we are more likely to meet the next challenge with self-doubt and anxiety, which decreases our capacity to solve problems effectively, while increasing chances of using avoidance or force, and exercising external locus of control.
Further, when our accomplishments are finally recognized, they are acknowledged primarily on the outcome instead of the process. That is, we are praised for what we get, instead of what we did. Such as “great job on getting an A on the test!” However, we are not in control of outcomes, including grades. There is an infinite number of variables that need to line up in a specific way for any outcome to occur. To control outcomes, we would need to know all of these variables and have a capacity to directly influence them. This is, of course, impossible. The only variable that we know and can directly influence is ourselves, thus, we are only in charge of the process. We do now own outcomes, we can only be happy or unhappy about what we get. Thus, what needs to be acknowledged and reinforced is our contribution. Praising our children on the results, programs unrealistic expectations, perfectionism and an attachment to outcome.
Every moment in life presents us with a new challenge and, thus, with an opportunity to self-reinforce and/or self-validate. We can fail to solve a problem and still self-reinforce on facing a challenge, doing our best and learning from the experience. And we can, at the same time, self-validate on being disappointed on not getting what we want.
Self-reinforcement is one of the ingredients of “baking your own bread,” which is learning how to give to self and satisfy own needs without relying on others. This aids in the development of the internal locus of control and a capacity to give to other people, which is the main foundation of developing and maintaining healthy relationships. Self-reinforcement restructures the way we think. So, when we self-reinforce, it is important to actually say to yourself – “great job” as opposed to just feeling proud. Feelings do not reprogram our software, thoughts do.
Self-reinforcement is the simplest ingredient of “baking own bread” that can be taught to children as young as 2 years of age. But before parents can start teaching their children how to self-reinforce, they need to start practicing it themselves.
